“Just leave, I’m serious!” Bill was shouting at his twin, trying to shove him out of their brand new apartment. “You can’t send me away, Bill! You know you can’t!” The dark-haired boy frowned and let his brother go. “Oh no?” Two seconds before Tom received a furious kick between his legs. He curled up and moaned, what gave Bill the chance to slam the door in his face. “Bye, Tom!” he panted infuriated.
Though his brother had left now, it didn’t feel like an actual victory. Bill stood in front of the door for a moment before he turned around. Tom was still cursing and screaming but Bill didn’t pay the slightest attention to his brother. He looked in the mirror and failed in an attempt to arrange his fine head of black hair. He established he was still looking a bit annoyed but he couldn’t fake a smile right now. The smile, which had graced his face for so many years.
While Bill was attempting to calm down, Tom tried to open one of the huge windows of their communal home. He pushed his face against the glass, shouted and banged on the windowpane. “Bill, please! My keys!” Bill didn’t even look at him and ignored his identical twin completely. Tom kept on screaming desperately for another ten minutes before he realized Bill wouldn’t listen. He held in his tears, though he really felt like crying. It didn’t bother Bill at all. The girly one of the twins was still brushing his hair, which started to look kind of impulsive because his locks were already beautifully straightened. Always when he tried to hide his feelings he just had to brighten himself up. After all these years each one of his friends could tell when Bill wasn’t all right, relying on his heavy make-up. Or on the extreme amount of cigarettes he smoked when he was down. He just wasn’t very good in concealing what he felt, contrary to Tom who finally gave up his vein persistence to try to come in again. The pretty boy with the oversized clothes hung his shoulders and slowly strolled away. He felt so dizzy and confused…
It took a while for Bill to attain a state of satisfaction. After he had cleaned his face a few times over he finally agreed with the way he looked. His eyes were dark defined and his glossy lips shattered in the dusky light. He pursed his mouth, lifted his chin and frowned. He knew he was beautiful, though he never felt 100% confident about his looks. His pale skin seemed to be dull and unhealthy and he had always been way too thin for an 18-year old boy. But except these totally insignificant things he was an example of perfection.
After he had smoothed out his designer wear he proudly paraded to the living room. His brother, yet, walked broken through the empty streets of Hamburg. Lost in thoughts he kicked the little pebbles, which blocked his way. He had been walking here just once before, but that time he hadn’t been in a sober state of mind either.

It wasn’t the first time the twins had an argument about this, though Bill had never been this cruel before. Ok, Tom knew he got too far this time and he knew he couldn’t blame the alcohol anymore. He also knew how he had sworn to his brother that he would leave the liquor. And it wasn’t hard to remember the tears Bill cried when Tom got home drunk again. But for Tom it was nothing but a joke, a game that could be lost or won. Today he lost it.

Bill looked disappointed at the empty vodka bottles. He just couldn’t believe Tom did it again. He trembled a bit as he cleaned up the mess they had caused. He hated the smell of alcohol because it reminded him of the way Tom smelled when he had drunk too much. Like he had done so many times.
It just couldn’t go on like this anymore: Bill knew Tom wasn’t able to deal with his stressful life and how alcohol was the only answer for his brother. But he couldn’t stand the way Tom treated girls when he was under the influence. Or the words without meaning he mumbled. And this time he really got too far…

“Billy, where are you?” Tom giggled, wobbling through the house. “I’m here,” Bill answered, extending his hand to his brother. Tom grabbed his hand gratefully and smiled. The twin with the beautiful dreads had an absent-minded look on his face. “You drank again, didn’t you?” Bill stammered indignant, staring at his tipsy brother. Tom shook his head vehemently. “No, I didn’t. Are you proud of me, now?” Bill screwed his eyes up and gave Tom a penetrating gaze. “I’m actually not.” Tom pouted and made a face. “You don’t believe me, do you?” Bill slowly shook his head, trying to keep a little distance. “I’ll let you taste it.” Before Bill could struggle Tom had found a way into Bill’s mouth. Bill’s hands searched for Tom’s chest, trying to push his brother away. “Are you out of your mind?!” he shouted, looking at Tom like he was some kind of freak. “I’m not,” Tom smiled. “I just like you.” Bill was still trying to shove his brother away from him, desperately searching for help. Tom’s hands moved to Bill’s belt, which he clumsy opened with his slender fingers. “Tom, stop it, STOP IT!” Bill screamed, starting to get a bit anxious. Tom just smiled. “I want to know what you taste like, twin.” Bill got sick, breathing squeaking out of fear. When he finally got the chance to break free he hit Tom in the face, trying to take the lead.
The fight continued and Bill even used his sharp nails to get rid of Tom. He couldn’t feel sorry at all when he had ejected his brother from the house.

Bill yawned and sat down on the huge couch, completely worn-out. It had been a long, tiring day and he just had to make up his mind now. It was already growing dark outside, but Bill couldn’t tell whether it was because of the time or because of the heavy clouds. He pushed his fingertips against each other, sat up straight and closed his eyes. He breathed in and out a few times before he finally felt peaceful. For Bill it was the most normal thing to suppress his thoughts and feelings when he really had to. He opened his eyes, yawned again, and walked into the kitchen. He made a cup of tea, hummed a song and checked his nails. “Tom, do you want some tea too?” All he heard was a steely composure; not realizing Tom had left the house an hour ago. He sighed, shook his head confused and sat back on the couch again. It was pretty cold in the living room and Bill covered the hot cup with his thin fingers. He took a sip and coughed.
After he drank his tea, he stood up and moved to the fireplace to warm up a bit. He didn’t really know how to make a fire, but he had seen Tom doing it so many times that he probably could find it out himself. He piled up the firewood and tried to light it with his cigarette lighter. When he discovered it wouldn’t work he looked for some matches, which had more effect on the wood. He shred up some old newspapers to stoke the fire. He looked at his self-made open fire very satisfied.
Bill watched the flames for a few more minutes and sat down on the ground cross-legged. He let his elbows rest on his knees and enjoyed the heat of the dancing fire. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it..?” he whispered, not talking to anyone in particular. The orange glow shattered in his eyes.

Outside the dark clouds had come up Hamburg and Tom, who was pretty sober now, was trying to hide from the pouring rain. Finally he could let his tears run, because he knew no one would notice it right now. He never cried, not even when he was drunk. He generally enjoyed life too much to worry about things and he felt way too tough to cry in public. He trudged forward, feeling his baggy clothes getting wet. One moment he doubted and considered to turn around, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t face Bill right now, he had been so mistaken…
Shivering with cold he took his mobile phone. His fingers typed a short text message to his brother, just to say sorry and to tell him he’d been wrong.

I regret what I did Bill, I know it wasn’t right. It’s raining now and it’s so cold out here… I’m sorry, bro. Tom.

Bill smirked when he got Tom’s message. His brother was the only one to blame and he just had to feel he had been wrong. In Bill’s eyes this was the right punishment for his twin.

I bet it sucks.

Tom collapsed when he read Bill’s words. He felt miserable; he was scared and so alone. He couldn’t believe Bill treated him this way; he’d never experienced him this foul. It just wasn’t something for Bill to curse, to hate and to torture. Tom was drenched and laid crying on the cold asphalt. Now they had both gone too far.

Bill was still staring obsessively at the burning flames. He let his thoughts go and smiled, feeling pretty comfortable sitting on the wooden floor. He felt a bit lonely, though. It was the kind of evening, which was perfect to lie in someone’s arms, just to cuddle a bit. He denied the fact he’d love to embrace his brother right now.
He got up again and walked at one of the huge windows in their house. It was dark outside, the clouds almost looked black. Black like his hair, his nails and his make-up. Black like the color of Tom’s innocent eyes. He took no notice of the little voice that told him to call his brother. Tom was some kind of cruel person, Bill decided. It just wasn’t worth it to live here with him.
A blazing lightning appeared in the sky. The loud thunder frightened Bill but he refused to ask his brother for help. He saw the rain pouring but couldn’t really feel sorry. Tom would find his way.

But Tom was lost, forgotten and confused. He couldn’t remember he felt this way before and he just wanted to say sorry. He wanted Bill to forgive him but he didn’t know how. He just lay broken on the ground.

Bill grabbed some pillows and enclosed himself with everything that made him feel safe. “Tommy… You can sit down next to me, if you want” he whispered softly with his eyes closed. But his brother couldn’t answer because he was outside, drowning in the rain.
Bill’s fingers stroke over his cell phone, but he left it in his pocket. He should hold his promise to not let Tom in ever again. It didn’t feel right to forgive him right now, he wasn’t yet punished.

Tom didn’t want anything else than to just go home, to dry and to warm up. He wanted to caress Bill, just to let him know how sorry he felt. But he was scared. Scared for his brother who acted so numb.

Bill couldn’t deal with his contradictory feelings about Tom, so after he had extinguished the fire he went to bed. He curled up strongly, trying to hide the emptiness. All he could hear was the crying wind, which blew against the roof.

He would never admit his feelings.